Shades of Rose
by Angry Warrior
Summary: This one is a oneshot. Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay finally figure out the answer after 'Endgame' and the mess that Paramount made of it.


Shades of Rose by: AW

(c) March 27, 2009

Dislcaimer: I don't own them, Paramount does, but this is my fun.

I stare at the box. The box that containes 'the rose' from so many years ago. The box that contains my hopes and my dreams for the future. He said forever, and apparently like the petals on the rose - that I had so meticulously kept in stasis, and was now taken out and exposed to air - were falling.

I was falling: pieces of me were forever gone.

I sit and I think 'What happened?'. We were so close, we had promised so many things to each other. And then she came along, and then we got back to the Alpha Quadrant, and then I got a promotion and then life went to hell.

I stare at the 'happy couple', that should have been us. That should have been me holding his hand, kissing his lips, loving his body and his soul.  
But he has chosen, and for once...he wasn't on my side.

I looked at them, they looked happy, but were they? He had said he would never be happy with anyone but me, but here he was, drowning in his own lies, breaking his own promises.

And finally I realize, I love him. I have always loved him, I will always love him.

I break down and cry and I think how grateful I am for the private office that I have been given. I think of Chakotay and everything he has given and by fate taken from me.

Then I think back to that one night. The night before we were taken from Voyager, it has granted only been two months that we have been back on earth...but it has been two months of hoping and forgiving and...I love him.

I splay my hand over the still flat stomach. *I can't raise this child alone, I can't raise HIS CHILD alone, I can't.*

I exit my office and head towards sickbay to talk to the doctor, I had told him it would take me time to deal with it and in turn to make a decision.

I cry some more, tears falling for Chakotay and the child who would never know the world. It was then that a cramp hit and I doubled over in pain feeling the blood trickling from between my legs.

*Please God forgive me my sins.*

*~*~*~*~*

[Three hours later Starfleet Medical]

I stare at the body of the lovely maiden. The woman who was mine and who would be again if I had my way.

The 'other woman' was nothing but a mistake, a mistake I had made many times over the years. Seska, Kellin, Riley, Seven; the list goes on and on.

Each time she forgave me, each time she took me back, each time I betrayed her.

As I stare at the body of the woman I love, I realize how sick she must be to seek medical advice at Starfleet Medical.

I love her, I want her: I need her.

She gave her heart to me once, that fateful day, two weeks before returning to the Alpha Quadrant. She had been mine once and would hopefully be mine again.

I love her, I had loved her and let her go.

Life wasn't fair: The doctor would not tell me what had brought her to Starfleet Medical, and I wasn't sure after the way I had treated her that she would even disclose this information to me.

But I had to know.

*~*~*~*~*

I feel myself slowly coming out of the stupor I had been in after entering the hospital and finding out that the baby was gone. I really shouldn't feel all that sad about it, I myself was going to get rid of it after seeing Chakotay happy in his new life with Seven of Nine.

I feel a hand envelop mine and turn to see the face of a man, the face of the ghost of a love that had been.

"Chakotay what are you doing here?"

He lets a soft dimpled smile grace his features and I feel my heart doing flip-flops. "I heard through subspace you were in the hospital and I had to know you were okay. All those years of death-defying escapes, and Earth was going to beat you: I don't think so."

I feel my head shake confused. "What about Seven?"

"What about her? She sends her regards." He pulls a rose - much like the peace rose from many years ago out - from behind his back. "I couldn't see her as the love of my life. I couldn't live with the betrayal: She wasn't you."

I feel I'm hearing things, he was telling me everything I wanted to hear: It had to be a dream.  
"I love you Kathryn, you have to come back to me."

I keep my eyes closed, but I feel the tears begin to stream down my face at his bold admission.

My lips open and before I can stop the words from flowing, the words: "I love you too," escape my lips.

Chakotay sharply looks at me before allowing the smile to escape his lips. "The baby was yours."

I told half truths, not telling of the fact that I had planned on ending her life before it began, but god took even that little bit of power from me.  
"I'm so sorry." And the tears began falling down my face once more.

The shocked look on his face scares me, I almost wonder if it was a look of betrayal. Then I realize it was more a look of confusion. "Baby?"

And then I realize, he hadn't known. I hadn't told him and apparently the doctor hadn't either. I repeated my earlier confession, "I am so sorry; I never meant for it to be this way."

He rushes over and envelops me in a hug. "I'm so sorry Kathryn, if I had known..."

"You would have given up your happiness for nothing."

Chakotay looks over incredulously. "You are what makes me happy Kathryn."

I sighed, not knowing what to say to him: the man of my dreams. "I don't think so after you hear everything."

Chakotay looked at her, "You don't understand Kathryn, there is nothing...and I mean nothing that could happen that would make me hate you. I love you."

I stare at him, Irish temper coming to the forefront. "After you left me for Seven, and I found out I was carrying your baby after our little daliance: I almost killed her!"

Chakotay opened his mouth to answer, and Kathryn cut him off. "If I hadn't miscarried her, I would have aborted. This would have been the end."

I watch as Chakotay slowly processes everything. "We can try for another baby Kahryn."

I stare at him, "You go off, break promises and then you think that there will be an 'us' in the future. You're talking about trying for a baby; we haven't even defined what this relationship is."

Chakotay looks at me, "I knew from the moment I met you that you'd be in my future and that we'd live a long and healthy life together. I need you."

I remember the day when we had finally let all our guards drop and walked into the zone of 'undefined' paramenters. Yes, we had sex. Yes it was good. Yes I love him, but that doesn't mean that we can make a life together or raise a baby together. "We can't Chakotay." She paused, "That little step over the line that led not only to your infedelity but also to this slight mishap that I was ready to do away with, without a second thought or without even consulting you is proof enough of that." I give him the best death glare I can muster up under the circumstances and send him on his way.

*~*~*~*~*

It's been three days since Kathryn shooed me from her medical room. A baby, she had been carrying my baby. I know it's selfish of me, but I can't help but think of the fact that the two of us had made a new life together.

I want that life.

I need that life, and I think she wants it too.

But she needs stability, she needs assurances, and whether she wants to admit it or not, she needs me.

I love her.

*~*~*~*~*

I'm home now. I was given two weeks off to adjust to everything. Of course no one except myself Chakotay and my doctor know the real reason I was in the medical bay.

No one knows.

It's a secret I will probably carry to my grave.

I could have had that child. I could have carried her to term and made a life for myself and the baby that was.

Then there's Chakotay, this would have made him so happy. This is what he wants.

This is what he needs.

This is what would have made our lives complete. That and marriage.

I love him.

*~*~*~*~*

It has been five days since I was summarily dismissed from Kathryn's life yet again. All I can think is it's not right. That we could make a perfect couple.

I went to talk to Boothby and he aggrees, plucking 12 red roses from his garden to give to her. I take the roses and I make my way to the Janeway house. I know right now she is staying with her mother and sister.

I walk up the stairs and make it to the door and my nerve almost gives out.

I need to do this: I love her.

I walk up to the door to the old Victorian home and saw the garden full of roses. Yellow roses, the symbol of friendship, something she was sorely missing for Kathryn, aside from me on Voyager.

I knock on the door and wait, hopefully there would be an answer soon.

A woman, probably about 75 answers the door. *That must be her mother.* I think. The woman let her face grow into a grin and I recognize the half-smile growing into a full-fledged smile that I had learned to love on Voyager. This was definately a woman related to Kathryn Janeway.

"Hello. May I help you?"

I smile, and feel my dimples coming out in full-force. "My name is Chakotay, I was Kathryn's first officer aboard Voyager."

The woman spoke to someone in the same room. "Phoebe, can you get Kathryn?"

*Phoebe* I had heard that name before it was Kathryn's sister. "I'm sorry I didn't catch your name."

Kathryn's mother pulled out her hand to shake good naturedly, "Gretchen Janeway. I'm so pleased to meet you Chakotay. I've heard so much about you." She moves her arm motioning for me to enter.

"Thank you ma'am."

"Ma'am? I think you've spent too much time on that Starship of yours." She pauses, "And I know for a fact that Kathryn hates being referred to as ma'am. Call me Gretchen."

Kathryn slowly comes down the stairs and at the sight of me she turns around to run. "Young lady, quit being rude and get your Admiral buns down here."

Kathryn slowly makes her way down the stairs refuses to meet my eyes, and refuses to say anything to her mother or sister.

"Kathryn you spent many years with this man, the least you could do was give him a couple of minutes of your time."

Kathryn blushes in embarassement. "Chakotay would you like some ice tea, coffee, lemonade anything?"

I smile, "An ice tea would be great."

Kathryn goes into the kitchen to get ice tea and was followed by her mother. "Kathryn. What is going on with you? You've spoken nothing but highly of this man and now you're treating him like he has the plague."

Kathryn tilts her head down blushing in embarassement. "I'm sorry mom, there are just so many different things going on between us and -"

Gretchen tilts up her head so her daughter was staring her in the eyes. Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise, "You love him don't you honey?"

Kathryn nodded and felt the tears welling up in her eyes. "But I don't know if we can ever make it work."

Gretchen smiled a soft smile, "You'll never know unless you try Kathryn."

Kathryn looked up at her mother. "I don't know if I can take the rejection again."

"Oh honey, you'll never know unless you try. If he is as great a man as you say, I'm sure he loves you too."

Kathryn laughed, sardonically. "That's the problem mom, I know he loves me and would do anything for me, but I don't know if I can live up to his expectations."

"You will Kathryn, you make everything work, and I'm sure this won't be any different." She hugged her trying to give her daughter support for the road ahead full of love and happiness...she hoped.

*~*~*~*~*

I watch Kathryn descend the stairs, she looks as if she has had a weight lifted off her shoulders. "Chakotay, we need to talk."

I take her by the arm and march her out to the backyard setup. There are chairs and tables and the love of his life sat on one of the chairs, auburn hair glowing in the afternoon sun. "Kathryn, we have to try to sort out this mess." I stop forcing her to look into my eyes.

Her reavealing blue eyes look up at me with the walls let down. "I don't hate you for the decisions you've made or might have made. I left you in a really bad place, in a situation that could not be dealt with in any way but a bad way. I love you and I will never let anything come between us."

I reach into my pocked and pull out a diamond ring, "Will you marry me?"

Kathryn is speachless. I watch the wheels turning. "Oh my god, my mother is right."

I look confused at my would-be lover. "What are you talking about?"

"She told me that everything would work out."

I smile and bring her close to me. My lips are almost touching hers: We'd been down this road before. "You know I love you right Kathryn?"

Kathryn nods her understanding, "I know Chakotay, but for how long?"

I shake my head at her complete incomprehension. "For life if you'll have me."

Kathryn nods and raises her hand out to me, showing the ring finger that she wishes for me to adorn. I place the diamond ring on her finger claiming her as mine.

I approach her lips and kiss her for all I was worth, giving her a preview of what was to come. She nods, tears in her eyes and I know everything will eventually be okay. The Admiral's time was coming to a close as the most important thing in Kathryn's life: It was Kathryn's turn now.

[6 months later Janeway house]

"Mom, I'm not sure. White looks so pure, and god knows I'm not virgin."

Mother laughs, "Honey, it's symbolic, about the purity of the new joining in marriage."

I look at my mother, "What about a simple ceremony with Chakotay and I both wearing dress uniforms?"

Gretchen glares at her daughter, "You only get married once - I hope - and you need to make it your special day."

I glare back at my mother. "You know, I really don't think what I wear on my wedding day will have any impact on how the marriage is going to go."

Mom approaches me and pats me on the shoulder in an attempt at a comforting gesture. "Everything will be okay Kathryn. Chakotay is a good man, and you're a good woman and you're quite a pair you two."

I roll my eyes, "Oh come on mother. Flattery will get you no where."

Mother smiles, "It'll be fine Kathryn. Think about the wedding as the Borg, something you can beat."

*~*~*~*~*

I walk through the doors of my future mother-in-law's house. We have been staying there until we are married and have found a place of our own. I was going to show Kathryn today the house I had found. It would be great for Kathryn and I. Lots of room, a separate office for her in her role as Admiral so she could do some of her work from home.

I carry a dozen roses for her, and a beautiful necklace wrapped in a pink box. It is a locket so she can put pictures of her and me and carry them around with her forever.

The slight gold chain is small enough that she can wear it under her uniform, and no one will know: Except her and I, it would be our little secret.

I was never letting her out of my site again.

Seven years of constant stress was enough for anyone.

I walk through the door to her mother's house and find Gretchen sitting on the couch nursing a coffee and waiting for something. "Chakotay, I'm so glad you're here."

I smile at Kathryn's mother, "Do you know where Kathryn is? I have a surprise for her." I pause, "We're going out for dinner and then I have a surprise to show her."

Gretchen smiles, "I knew she picked a good one with you." She runs up and hugs me. "I can see why she loves you so much."

*~*~*~*~*

[Kathryn Janeway's room same time]

I put on my wedding dress and smooth the fabric down the front. My stomach is still flat for the time being, hopefully I'll make it to the wedding before I outgrow this dress. I throw my hands up frustrated.

*This is crazy.* I haven't even asked him if he was children, I hope that he does, its a little late to do anything now. I missed my booster shot two weeks ago, and then when I go to get it, the doctor tells me he can't renew it because I'm 3 weeks pregnant, that was two weeks ago.

I take the dress off and put on comfortable clothes and walk down the stairs.

"Chakotay, when did you get home?"

He smiles at me, "About twenty minutes ago. I have a surprise for you, change your clothes: we're going out for supper."

I look at him, "Why can't I go with what I'm in?"

Chakotay shakes his head, "Because I want to show off my beautiful finacee in all her glory."

I smile and look at him, I pause, "I'll go find something."

I run upstairs and look for my emerald green dress. I hadn't worn it since before I left Earth to board Voyager and I hope it still fits.

I pull it out of the closet and slip it on. It hugs me in all the right places, for now...it was good.

I fix my make-up and my hair. I look good for a 45 year old Starfleet Admiral, but now was not the time for rank. He had a surprise for me, and I had one for him. I had waited two weeks and got myself ready for this conversation: At least I hope I had.

I go down the stairs and Chakotay stares at me, lust in his eyes as well as love. "You look beautiful Kathryn, this is definately more appropriate."

He takes my arm, I wave bye to my mother and off we go.

*~*~*~*~*

I stare at the outside of the restaurant that Chakotay has chosen. I definately see why he told me to change, this place was about as ritzy and exotic as you could get.

Leave it to Chakotay.

I walk hand in hand with Chakotay to the back of the restaurant where there was already a table set up for us. He orders my favorite wine without asking, but I know he doesn't know, and I know that his heart is in the right place. I order a gingerale and tell him it is just because I am thirsty right now for something besides wine.

If only he knew.

He takes my hand from across the table and places a beautiful pink box in it. "For the love of my life." He states and I pull the bow loose. I open the box and inside is a lovely gold chain with a locket at the bottom leaving room for images of us both.

"Oh my god Chakotay, it's beautiful." I feel the tears falling down my cheeks and curse the hormones that are running through my body.

He draws me closer to him over the table and kisses me, proving how much he truly loves me.

The drinks came and he pours a glass of wine for both of us, I nurse my gingerale.

Chakotay orders Lobster for me, and a vegetable casserole for him. The food comes and the smell makes my stomach rebel. I excuse myself and hurriedly walk to the bathroom.

I throw up the meager contents of my stomach and wonder how I am going to hide something like this from Chakotay. I look into the mirror and see the dark circles under my eyes. I pull some foundation out of my purse and attempt to cover them up.

I look at my face once again, the covering over the circles is good enough. I think maybe I can get away with it.

I walk back to the table and sit down across from him: smiling at him. "Hi love."

Chakotay shakes his head confused, "Are you okay Kathryn?"

"Of course, I just ate something earlier that didn't agree with me, the main reason I was dressed in comfortable cloths when you got home. I was just going to stay at home and relax tonight."

Chakotay nods, "Of course, if I had known I wouldn't have ordered you such a large meal or the wine."

All I can think is that I had an escape from the questioning for the moment.

I glance at Chakotay. "What's wrong Kathryn, you don't seem yourself. I know you said you weren't feeling well, but it seems like there's something else on your mind." He grasps my hand and I open my mouth to reveal my secret.

"Chakotay I have to tell you something."

He looks at me. "What is it Kathryn? It can't be that bad."

I draw in a deep breath and sigh. "I went to the doctor I couple of weeks ago. I was there to -"

He cuts me off. "My goodness Kathryn are you okay?"

I reach out and grab his hand, trying to reassure him that everything is okay. "Chakotay, listen to me. Everything is fine. I went to get my boosters renewed."

I watch Chakotay let out a silent breath. "So there's nothing wrong?"

I smile, "Nothing that needs to be fixed."

He grins at me; I try to eat as much as I can, but simply state that I'm not hungry after my bout with food poisoning. He accepts it at face value and off we go.

We get on the transporter at Starfleet headquarters and he gets the transporter chief to enter co-oridinates but refuses to tell me where we are going.

We materialize in a residential area: it is beautiful. He draws me to him and covers my eyes. "Kathryn, just let me surprise you for a minute."

I let him cover my eyes and lead the way, I trust him implicitely: I love him. Finally we slow down and Chakotay turns me around to face him. "Okay open your eyes."

I open my eyes and spin around to see a beautiful house. "Who's house is this Chakotay? Is this where your sister lives?"

He grins at me, "No this is your house."

I'm shocked, "What do you mean this is my house?" I get all giddy and full of hope, "Don't you mean OUR house?"

He takes my hand and we walk through the door. This house is everything I could have wanted. "This is the main area, a huge kitchen: and no I didn't forget your replicator, programmed with your favorite coffee and everything." He pulls me upstairs to the bedroom, "This is our room: I can't wait for our honeymoon to christen it." And he pulls me to the last room upstairs. "And this is your office."

I look at the final room complete with computer monitors and an Admiral's feel to it. I turn to him, "Well then where is the baby going to sleep?"

What a way to tell the man you love that you are carrying his child? I smile and hope that he is as happy about this as I am at this moment. He rushes up and wraps me in a hug full of promise. "Gods woman I love you."

And I finally realize that we can say those words without guilt, without harm and without putting the 'resposibilities of the crew' ahead of our happiness.

I think that it is at this point that we realize that every step we have taken up until that point has led us here, and every step we will continue to take will make all the decisions we are going to make the best ones.

Yes I love him, and he loves me.

THE END


End file.
